I might have been a bit checked out during Nutcracker, however I felt free at the same time. I danced despite what was going on in my life. As heavy as grief is, it is at the sometime freeing to know that you can go through this type of thing that you hear about your entire life (and dread, let’s be honest) and then it happens and you realize that you can get through it. You don’t have to wonder anymore if you can.

First, we discover during rehearsal right before the show they have the wrong track for Snow and the music is four times faster than our performance piece. FOUR TIMES. The look on everyones face when we realize the wrong track is playing is priceless. They make us rehearse with it anyway (the show must ALWAYS go on) and it is like watching a ballet car pile-up on the freeway. Our teachers face from the audience is a face of duress, cringe and her eyes are slightly closed. The dancers are all confused, laughing, almost crying, and panicking. White tutus and sparkles are flying through the air in a ballet blizzard of chaos.

Nutcracker turned out to be a healthy dose of chaos mixed with a whirlwind of emotion, nerves and excitement. The backstage drama alternated from dancers almost fainting, losing their costumes —finding their costumes— worrying about their school bullies showing up to their performance, a few of the main acts crying from being overwhelmed, and all the best drama one could wish to experience backstage at a ballet. Everyone was sweating profusely, taking their shoes on and off from being sore and heaving in and out of breath as they rushed from onstage to offstage to do a quick change and to go back onstage.